Paranoid of the past

i felt a bit paranoid today cuz i got no motivation in every aspect. maybe because i had fulfil lots of my wishes in my last year wish list, therefore, right now i feel something empty and the past experience popped up in my mind. i dreamt off meet back my dream girl aka crush (pf).

i dunno why but actually know why i had such dream cuz i really wish i could meet back her in somewhere in future, hope we separated after 2 years. i swearly said to myself, it’s very hard to find a person to replace her, she is still the best. i give myself various shots but failed. or maybe i can’t let myself forgotten her because i heard she is still available now.

sometimes i think that “what is yours is yours, what is not is not, if yours, in the end you will get back”. but how long i should wait or give a hope if she is mine? i am suffering from paranoid over this period.

she is definitely a princess in my heart, in my dream she look really beautiful and elegant, with make-up, girly attire and tall. i look myself and i feel i am too plain and outdated. i kept staring at her but no conversation (this is most fear i should overcome or i will lose her for second time). i become too shy in front of her.

man, should i say i am desperate now or because Valentine’s day is coming near now? i dunno, but this is really make me paranoid.

– Written on Feb 2006